Three Little Piggies (of the Premiership)

Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs. They were sly, they were greedy and they were all pretty dim

One day, the 1^st little pig, Wayne, told his best friend, his football agent, “I would like to earn a huge amount more money then I already do, even though I am considered a legend at Man United and have everything I’ve ever wanted” he said.

“Very well,” said his agent. “We will go to your manager Alex’s office and we’ll huff and we’ll puff and we’ll demand a new contract! If he won’t budge, we’ll threaten to move to that other team across the City with money to burn, and then he will pay!”

The 2^nd little pig, Carlos, said to his best friend, his football agent, “I would like to earn even more money then I currently earn, which is already even more than I left my previous club on the other side of the City for,” he said.

“Very well,” said his agent. “We will go to your manager Roberto’s office and we’ll huff and we’ll Puff and we’ll demand a new contract! If he won’t budge, we will claim you are homesick and threaten to leave, and then he will pay!”

The 3^rd little pig, Fernando, told his best friend, his football agent, “I would like to earn even more money than I have ever dreamt of earning, and leave the club I once professed to loving to boot!” he said.

“Very well,” said his agent. “We will go to your manager Kenny’s office, and we’ll huff and we’ll puff and we’ll demand a new contract! If he won’t budge we will threaten to leave and go to a club in London who have money to burn, and then he will pay!”

So the 1^st little pig and his agent went to see his manager Alex, and they huffed and they puffed but he could not get a new contract! So Wayne's agent said, “Fine we will leave and go to the team across the City, who have money to burn!”

“Don’t be so stupid!” said Alex, and begrudgingly handed over a bigger contract for the piggy to sign.

The 2^nd little pig and his agent then went to see his manager Roberto, and they huffed and he puffed but he could not get a new contract either! So Carlos’s agent said, “My client is homesick and we are leaving for home today!”

“Don’t be so stupid” said Roberto, and begrudgingly handed over an even bigger contract for the piggy to sign.

The 3^rd little pig and his agent then went to see his manager, Kenny, and they huffed and they puffed, but he could not get a new contract either! So Fernando’s agent said, “My client is wanted by a club in London who have cash to burn, so we will leave!”

“Don’t be so stupid” said Kenny, but to the 3^rd little pigs’ surprise, he didn’t offer him a super-doper new contract!

“So will you stay or will you go?” asked Kenny

“Er I don’t know. I expected a new contract so now I’m confused” said the pig.

"Well you have until 11pm tonight to decide, either stay at the club you 'love' or take the money and run. You decide.”

The End
(Well, not quite).

Welcome to the new age of Skysports - and it's YOUNG!

Gray and Keys have been dumped like two old slippers: They stink, and no one wants them around anymore. The fact that they have been caught making lewd and sexist comments to female assistant referee's, colleagues and ex-girlfriends of colleagues is almost the sub-plot to this sorry episode.

Andy Gray and Richard Keys were considered the old guard by the new boss at Sky Sports, Barney Francis. He joined in 2009 and since then, the live football axis of Gray and Keys were on borrowed time. Everything has a sell-by date, and Richard and Andy's seems to have expired from that point in 2009 when a new boss wanted to herald a new era. Fair enough I guess.

Two things have puzzled me in recent months on Sky Sports; 1) the introduction of Ben Shepherd on some of Sky's live games, and their "Sunday Supplement" show. He's made a seamless transfer from the sofa's of GMTV (remind you of anyone) and has settled into the Sky Sports set up nicely now thank you very much, and 2) the coverage Sky have given their celebration of "20 years of Sky Sports". It's been on almost every day and night this month. Talk about ramming the point home that they've done 20 magnificent years already, and now lets look to a brilliant future together.

When I look back on these two points now, it seems obvious that there's been an agenda to re-brand and modernise their set up for some time now. Heck, when I saw the Monday Night Football studio for the first time this season, I actually thought, "how's an old codger like Andy Gray going to cope with this new technology". Ah well, I needn't have worried I guess.

And so to the crux of the matter, the Sexism debate. Look, what they said about the assistant referee Sian Massey was stupid and unfair, totally agree with that, but sackable offence? I'm not so sure. Gray's comments regarding "tuck it in love" were a really lame attempt at a joke that was ignored by everyone but Keys, who just seemed to laugh like a love struck puppy-dog.

The most cringey clip was Keys' "Smash her" tirade, which by the look of things, even Jamie Redknapp found a little uncomfortable to listen to. It was a disgrace, and Keys' apology to, er, women, was it meant to be, on TALKsport yesterday was so bad it was like Alan Partridge trying to apologise to his boss after shoving a lump of cheese into his face for not giving him a second series.

In the end, Keys' sealed his own fate. He hung himself to dry and I can't quite decide whether Sky made him do the interview, because they knew he'd hang himself, or whether he decided to do it off his own back to make everything ok, and failed spectacularly. Either way, you don't come back from interviews like that!

All in all though, aside from Keys' despicable rant and wide-boy attitudes which he and bessie-mate Andy Gray seem to share, I think this week has simply been a case of natural attrition. Women's football, women in football, women in sport more generally are on the increase and that can only be a good thing for everyone.

People are born at different times in life and have certain views that become out-dated sooner or later and Keys and Gray have bought it for the 50-somethings and a new wave of 30-somethings will pick the reigns up and take it from here. It's the Circle of Life, as Elton would sing.

Right, I better go and get the wife's dinner on.

Spurs 0 - 0 Man Utd

My son Liam is 2 and a half. My Dad (54 incidentally) supports Spurs. I support Man United, and my brother-in-law supports Arsenal. Liam is at that impressionable age where if you tell him anything and say, "say it again", he will, and the more you laugh, the more he'll say it.

The phrase that stuck with him over Christmas was "Come on Spurs", much to Dad's delight. I was furious, Graham, my brother-in-law, disgusted to see potentially another Spurs fan in the family. I haven't given up hope on the boy yet, and his next birthday present may just be the new United home kit.

Watching the match with Liam today, I'm not sure either team endeared themselves to him anymore than the other, and apart from the fact his Dad was going crazy when Raphael was sent off and flabbergasted when Giggs went through into the Spurs area at the end of injury time and crossed, towards Rooney, only for it to be intercepted, I don't think he'd have had much guidance from me either.

As a spectacle today's match was billed as one for the purist: plenty of goals and quality football galore. In all it was a decent game, some of the midfield play by the likes of Modric was sublime at times, but in truth the action in the box was sparse at best, poor to be harsh.

Crouchy proved why so many managers have given up on him in the past when faced with the goal at his mercy, coming onto an Aaron Lennon cross and placing his shot the wrong side of the post. In games like this you have to finish those chances and Crouch, and many of the Spurs front men in general to be honest, are all too guilty of missing those types of chances, hence the feeling they may come up short in the title race this year.

And Rooney had another of those games that harked back to when he shouted at that TV camera in South Africa last summer. Why did he get booked when Raphael was sent off is beyond me? To be honest I thought it was a foul. It was pretty cynical BY Raphael and he knew what he was doing when he ran across Bale's trailing leg, so he had to go in my book.

Rooney should know by now that United have won plenty of games with 10 men and will win plenty more in the future, so at that stage there's no need to panic - not that it's ideal, but don't get yourself into trouble trying to prove a point to the referee (in that delicate and persuasive manner that he has), because the referee is never going to overturn his decision. Concentrate on performing Wayne, rather than trying to win every argument with the ref.


Berbatov had another of those games where you wonder, "Has he really got the minerals to stomach the fight of the biggest matches?" He was quiet. A lot of neat and tidy touches, but that's not enough. United need a player that's going to win matches, and in these biggest of matches he doesn't quite do it for me. Rooney can't be expected to do it all the time, and with the form Rooney is in at present, someone else needs to step up to the plate.

Nani has impressed lately but he was nowhere near his best today. Is he fit yet? Perhaps he's still a little short, but he never penetrated at all today, and he didn't really link up with Raphael either, which was disappointing. Carrick and Fletcher looked second best for the first 20 minutes against Modric and Palacios, but as the game went on it became a more even contest, and Carrick in particular I thought was good getting a few last ditch tackles in, although in honesty he should be up the other end weaving passes through the eye of a needle, not acting as sweeper.

Spurs played some nice stuff. Watching this Spurs team play reminds me a little of the United team that won the treble in 1999. They have fine wingers in Bale and Lennon (Giggs and Beckham in their pomp were United's), and they stretch teams to the width of the pitch in a way that teams such as Arsenal and Chelsea just don't do now. A lot of teams prefer to go through the middle, but Bale and Lennon wait on the by-lines and keep the pitch stretched at all times, and that gives Modric the time to weave his magic in the middle .

The obvious difference is up front. United had Yorke and Cole, who scored buckets of goals. With the service Bale and Lennon provide, Spurs should be scoring buckets too, but for me they're just not clinical enough. Today's was probably a game Spurs should have won, if they are serious on winning the league, or finishing in the top 4, and especially with United down to 10 men, but other than Van Der Vaart's curling effort from the edge of the box in the 81st minute, they didn't really look like scoring once they had the extra player advantage.

For United, it's the same old story that's been served up all season. I think this was probably their strongest side out there, although Nani didn't seem fit and I'd probably have Scholes in the middle instead of Carrick (despite Carrick's fine last ditch tackling), but really, this is about as strong as it gets for United right now.

A lot has been made of United not getting beaten when not at their best this season. In my view, it's about time they kicked into gear and started offering more than they are doing going forward just now, but as long as they keep defending as they did today, all United need to do is nick the odd goal and they'll win more than they lose.

Not the most exciting or inspiring verdict, but I don't think this United team is a particularly exciting one. Other than Rooney and Nani, I don't see much flair there at all. Scholes and Giggs are still class, but United cannot rely on these two legends to keep producing year on year. I'd like to see Hernandez given more of a run out in these bigger games, as I think he has real star quality. Perhaps he'll grasp the big occasion better than Berbatov does at present.

All in all I think United will be happier with the point. If Spurs are serious on qualifying for the Champions League next season, they will need to convert games like these into wins. United will go on and continue to grind out victories without playing that well and by not conceding at the back, but United teams should be capable of better than just churning out wins in this fashion. I hope the game against Blackburn this season which ended 7-1 wasn't an anomaly, but it doesn't seem to be the standard we're achieving every week just now, and that's not the level we normally associate with United.

Beckham the player is just a small pawn in this game

I've been meaning to get a Bob Dylan quote in there for some time, hope you enjoyed it!!

It's true though. Beckham the player is only a small component of the circus that surrounds him these days. And I love the man. As a proud Man United fan, I have fond memories of Beckham playing a pivotal role in securing the treble for us in 1999, his goals, his passing and his work rate were always so important to us, he produced so many assists for Yorke and Cole at that time, it really was an amazing team and Beckham was integral to that.

When he left I was gutted, but you just don't cross the big man! Fergie grew tired of the circus that went with Beckham too, the glitz and glamour of his social life, and his penchant for going out to Fashion Shows and Premieres in London, rather than having an early night back home in Manchester.

Fergie called time on Beckham's reign at Old Trafford and I think Becks has always regretted that, which is sad really, because he comes across as the boy who was thrown out of home and never accepted back, no matter how hard he’s grovelled back to Daddy.

Ask yourself why Giggs and Scholes have stayed at Old Trafford all their careers but Beckham hasn’t and I think we all know the answer, although Beckham probably doesn't agree it was enough of a reason for him to go.

That said, perhaps Fergie could see that Beckham's lack of pace might see him suffer in the future. Especially when United signed Ronaldo. When Ronaldo was in his pomp for United (I am aware he is still in a pomp of sorts elsewhere – splitter!) he too was a great passer, but he was also so quick, and he could cut into the box and destroy sides with his finishing at will. He was like a Beckham, Giggs and Van Nistelrooy all rolled into one player, and that's not much of an exaggeration!

Either way, Beckham went on to Madrid and although Madrid struggled at first, he did at least win La Liga before he set off for LA Galaxy, where he remains to this day. He went to Madrid as one of the best players in Europe and England's most important player. He left Santiago Bernabeu a supposedly faded force, supposedly ex-England player, and fit only for the knackers’ yard of MLS football.

Why oh why he went there, I will never know (Oh, $50mm a year you say?!) Still, he's not short of a penny or two, surely he could have stayed in Europe and given himself half a chance at remaining in the England squad and at playing at a reasonable level for several years to come?

Beckham is both a shrewd business man (or at least pays business men to be shrewd on his behalf) and fiercely loyal, and he always said that he'd never play for another English Premier League team in the future, which is where, after a couple of seasons split between LA Galaxy and AC Milan (wonder which one he prefers playing for?!) we find ourselves; on the cusp of him joining Spurs for a few weeks on loan.

But in typical Beckham style, a deal could not be agreed upon simply, quickly and efficiently, could it? Oh no!

We've had talk of him being a political pawn in the game to secure the Olympic stadium; LA Galaxy are owned by AEG, Spurs potential business partners if their bid for the Olympic stadium is successful (surely that can’t be true, can it?).

We've had talk that the hold up is who foots the bill for his insurance premium, and also the stumbling block at present seems to be the fact that, with only 4 premier league games available for Beckham to play in if his loan is to end in February as is presently expected, is it really worth Spurs using up one of their 25 squad places for the second half of the season, just for a maximum of 4 games return?

I have certainly never seen coverage like this for what basically amounts at present to a player training with a Premier League side. Sky Sports talk of a "Deal being struck" whereby Beckham can train with Spurs for a month. Big wow!! Tierry Henry is down the road training with Arsenal and there sure aint any camera's outside their training ground filming him coming in and out of each day. Beckham himself trained at Arsenal last year and I don't remember any coverage like this.

I hope he does play for Spurs, I really do. My dad supports them so I have a soft spot for them, and I also have a soft spot for Beckham too, because beneath all the chaos and the press coverage, I think he's thoroughly decent chap who would do anything for his team or his country. It'd be nice to see him in the Premier League again, but for all the qualities he brings, notice how this blog talked about his footballing acumen at the start of this blog, when he was a Man United player, and it hasn't done since.

I think that's the point Sir Alex Ferguson was trying to make in the end. Best not kick a boot at a player to prove the point next time though eh Sir Alex?!

SCG hosts the Barmy Army end of tour love-in on "England Day"

At 01:45am on 7th Jan 2011, I crawled off to my bed having witnessed England winning the Ashes 3-1 in Australia, lifting the little Urn aloft, and doing a lap of honour of the SCG which had been transformed into an England-only theatre of Dreams.

I bet no one could have predicted that 8 weeks ago.

It was something quite overwhelming and spine-tingling to watch. When the rain fell shortly after play commenced, you knew it couldn't wreck the day's celebrations, surely?! It was more of a nuicance, but as an armchair fan watching back home in Southampton feeling desperately short of sleep as a result of a full week of cricket watching, I REALLY wanted the weather the hold out so we could get a wriggle on and we could celebrate, and then sleep!

In the end it was so straight-forward. Swann got the breakthrough, having Sid Vicious caught in the deep of a slog-sweep. Good hands from Jimmy Anderson, he's done very little wrong this series.

Soon after Gentle Ben Hilfenhaus came to the crease and shortly returned to the dressing room having nicked an Anderson in-swinger. Food and drink for 22-catch-thus-far-now-23 Matt Prior behind the stumps.

Steve Smith then tried to prolongue the agony by hogging the strike, keeping Beer up the other end. Not sure what he point of that was, but fair play for giving it a go, not many others did that for the Aussies this series.

Finally Beer was served when Michael played on to his own stumps from a bouncing Tremlett ball. The result was a formality, but the joy and relief of a job superbly well done being completed was evident on all the players faces.

And so that was that. Off to bed I trudge, but then I thought I should wait for the presentations, which were brilliant and joyous as you can imagine, and then the lap of honour of the SCG on England Day (perhaps Day 5 at the SCG could be called England Day in subsequent Ashes series- just a thought!)

This was followed by the interviews. Cook ("Chef", as Athers calls him - gedit?!) was stunned, Strauss was pumped, but still so articulate (the batters "dipped their bread in it" in the first innings here, you can't make quotes like that up!) And Colly was a gent and one felt sad that we'd doubted his abilities in the past, because he's clearly a top bloke and a huge member of this team.

Finally I set myself the goal of seeing the Sprinkler before heading upstairs. It didn't come and at 1:45, with my alarm due to sound to wake me up in 4 hours 15 minutes, I decided, "Come on mate, enough is enough," and that was that. I still found it hard to sleep, to switch off from what a monumental moment this had been.

My kids are 2 and 1, so clearly unaware of this amazing victory, no matter how much I try and show them and tell them otherwise, but the stories from this series will be told to your children and your grandchildren for years to come, that's for sure.

Make no mistake, this victory is huge, the first time Australia have lost at home 3-1 since 1988 when the vintage West Indies side decimated them. To place this England team in that bracket is clearly premature, but it gives you an idea of what they've achieved here. Unlike 2005, I can see this side getting better and better and it's surely not unrealistic to think they could be No.1 test team in the world in the next year or two.

A similar dynasty to the one that has just ended for the Australians would be nice, probably a little ambitious that, but you can but hope.

Well done England. As David Cameron said, when he kindly spoke for the whole country, we are all very proud of you in the Huelin household!

Put the Champers on Ice, just for a few hours

Over Christmas I put all my alcohol in the shed to keep it cold, such has been the chill in Britian's air for the past few weeks. Were it not for my January detox, I would have been tempted to have reached for a bottle of Tesco's finest Asti last night to celebrate Englands 3rd innings victory over Australia this winter, which will no doubt be completed on Friday 7th, but it's probably advised to wait until formalities are completed later on in Sydney before counting Englands collective hatched chickens.

Cricket is a curious game. England stand 150 runs ahead of Australia, with the Aussie's having only 2 more batsmen in the pavillion to come after Smith and Siddle, and even if they should miraculously get close to overturning that 150, England still have another innings in hand, should they need it (which they won't). Yet despite the magificent situation England find themselves in, the celebrations must surely wait until the morning.

Mike Atherton said, shortly after Chris Tremlett cleaned up Michell Johnson to give him a golden duck, "the Barmy Army will want this wrapped up tonight so they can "get on it!"" Indeed. No doubt the Army will hit it hard tonight, irrespective of whether victory had been sewen up or not, and the players will do so too when they're done knocking over Steve Smith (possibly the worst test selection I've ever come across) Sid "Vicious" Siddle, "Gentle" Ben Hilfenhaus and Michael "Low Alcohol" Beer, and why not, the Army have contributed greatly to what has been the greatest tour of Australia I certainly have ever seen, so good luck to them.

But what will the players do tonight? How do you recoil and contain all that emotion for 12 hours and then come back and finish the job off the next day? It's the equivalent of a football match with the score at 5-0 being postponed in the 85th minute because it starts snowing (topical!). Are you really going to trudge back and start again in the morning?

I know in sport it's always advised, "Don't get complacent," but surely in this scenario, there's got to be a bit of you that thinks, "You know what lads, I think the job's half done here, have a glass of wine with dinner." Do you think Strauss or Flower will offer that? If Freddie was still around I am sure he'd be pushing for that, but as good as Freddie was, he wouldn't get in this team, this team is way to disciplined for him, even Pieterson is starting to look like he's a little on borrowed time, his dismissal in this game was so needless and surely you have to ask yourself, "Do we still need him like we once did", because with Cook, Trott and Bell playing so beautifully right now, it doesn't look like we do so much.

Tomorrow will be a massive party. I'm hoping that Collingwood will be brought on to bowl when Australia are 9 down to get the last wicket. Everything has gone England's way so far this series on the whole, so why not a final test wicket for our own "Mr Cricket"? Hopefully we'll knock them over sharpish and I can get to my pit before the 01:30 I've been doing for most of this week and most of the series before Christmas too. It's been a labour of love, but well worth the effort. The margin of victory and the difference in class and preperation of the 2 teams have been staggering and 3-1 would be a fair reflection, 3-0 would perhaps have been even fairer, but we'll take 3-1.

We'll never see Collingwood play another test for England again. He's been a heck of a good servant, even if not the best batsman all the time, but he goes out at the absolute pinnacle. Shame the same won't be said for some of the Aussies like Ponting, who will surely go now and give way to some new blood. Hilfenhaus,  Smith and Catich will surely also depart for being distinctly average, distinctly poor, and distinctly old respectively. But that's not our problem. Our only worry is when to open the bubbly now. Well, not right now, but soon!


All together now, "He bowls to the left, he bowls to the ri-i-ight, that Michell Johnson, his bowling is Sh!te"